King James Pet

(Numbers 23:22; 24:8, Job 39:9-10; Psalms 29:6, 92:10 KJV)

If you ever want a little fun
ask someone
who thinks the King James Bible
is the only one for the meek and humble.
This question -
“Do you believe in unicorns?”

He’ll probably retort
that you’re probably low a quart.
“Unicorns are just scribbles
in little girls’ journals.”

“Oh,” I said
“I think unicorns were one of God’s favorites.
Maybe even the Holy Spirit’s!”

He was incensed
because blasphemy he was against.
He slammed his Bible on the table,
“OK , show me in here, if you’re able.

I opened up to Psalm 92
and read verse ten :
"But my horn shalt thou exalt like the horn of an unicorn:
I shall be anointed with fresh oil."

He didn’t share my mirth
“You know that poets use images
that do not exist on this earth.
How about a more credible message?
I ‘ll settle for Jesus
or even the prophet Amos.”

I opened up to Job 39:9-10
“Will God do, my friend?”

[God said to Job:]
9 Will the unicorn be willing to serve thee, or abide by thy crib?
10 Canst thou bind the unicorn with his band in the furrow?
or will he harrow the valleys after thee?

“ Do you believe in them?” he mumbled.
“I would, but they’re not in my Bible,” I replied.
He answered:
“Maybe you should,
Since they were one of God’s favorites.
Maybe even the Holy Spirit’s!”

Parable of Barry Bonds

(Sunday School lesson)
1 Corinthians 12:18-19
But as it is, God arranged the members in the body, each one of them,
as he chose. If all were a single member, where would the body be?

Imagine there was a mad scientist.
And he could clone a person if he could get
a hold of some money.

He went to a major league owner of a baseball team
and said he could deliver 25
Barry Bonds to him by opening day.
His fee -Fifty-five million dollars.
The owner blinded by greed agreed to the deal
and fired the entire roster.

And on opening day, the mad alchemist brought his
carbon copies to the ball park.
The Bonds gave a great exhibition of batting practice
with balls traveling in excess of 500 feet.

The owner gladly filled out and signed
over the check to the mad scientist.

"How about watching the game from my private box?"

"No, I gotta get to the bank before it closes."

"Alrighty, thanks again."

And just before game time, the manager ran up to
the owners box.

"Boss, we got trouble."

"Whadda you mean "we got trouble ?"

"All of them want to play left field.
None them can pitch,
wear catcher's gear,
play on the left side of the infield
not to mention the bench warmers."

"What's their problem?"

"They all are sitting in this big recliner in front of the
60 inch screen TV in the clubhouse."

"Who are you calling, Boss?"

"Hello, This Mr. Steinbrenner. Has someone come and
cashed a 55 million dollar check this afternoon?"

"O.K., thank you."
"Well Joe, it's gonna be a long season."

Moral of the story: We all can't be superstars,
but with our individual talents
together with Jesus
we can shine.

No Vacancy

Mark 8:17 “Are your hearts too hard to take it in?”

How Jesus hates when I turn on the no vacancy sign
on in my heart.

He walks up to the front desk, asks for His suite and
I tell him His room has been taken .

"By whom?", He asks.

"Work, family, my possessions, my sinfulness and
a couple of other things I rather not mention in public."

"But I had a reservation for the best room you got."

"Sorry , I got a smoking room next to the elevator.
Will that do until I can sort things out?"

But Jesus had already started to leave, muttering
under His breath, "Just like Bethlehem.".

And these are the last words He said to me before he left,

"We're going to have to talk about this."

Holy Week Checklist

(Mark 14, Matthew 26,Luke 22)

Anger the leaders of My religion.
You know the ones that condone selling a dove.
(when it’s really a pigeon.)
Check.

Get blessed with an expensive ointment.
May she always be remembered for this event.
(much to My disciples’ disappointment.)
Check.

Gotta find Me a betrayer,
I hate to think who could be My slayer.
(Thank you Satan, for finding the player.)
Check.

Found the room and the food for the Passover meal.
Unleavened bread and wine for two cups apiece is ideal.
(Not to mention the lamb is already on the grill.)
Check.

Told the Twelve remember this meal always.
“For the bread is My body and the wine is My blood,” I prayed.
(For this Last Supper will be known as the Holy Thursday.)
Check.

Explained to Peter that he would deny Me times three.
He said “I’ll never desert you.” and the rest agreed.
(Lord, what fools these mortals be!)
Check.

Went to the garden to pray three times about the upcoming task.
Each time, three of my crew fainted and crashed.
(After the third time, I was checking for a flask.)
Check.

Patience for meeting Pilate, Herod and Caiaphas.
My words have no meaning to these upper classes.
(And boy, what a trio of horse’s asses!)
Check.

May each writer record what I left on their heart.
For My final words as I depart.
(That will keep theologians from getting too smart!)
Check.

Oh, I make this checklist and forget something essential.
I need a tomb for my burial.
And as I told My disciples both harshly and gentle:
“Remember it’s only a three day rental! ”

Some in the crowd could be heard mumbling aloud

Mark 12

Jesus told a parable
on how a vineyard was run
and how it cost the owner the life of his son.
The father pledged retaliation
To avenge his son as well as recapture the plantation.
After hearing this, some in the crowd
Could be heard mumbling aloud
“This Jesus is a terrorist against the Administration.”

Jesus was asked a question,
“Should we pay taxes to the oppression?”
Jesus always being broke
Asked for a coin from the folk.
Then He asked “Whose face is on this bling?”
All replied, “ You know- the king!”
Then Jesus finished by being wise:
“Give the kings their due
The earthly and well as the One in Paradise. “
After hearing this, some in the crowd
Could be heard mumbling aloud
“Ooooh, playing the God card- very nice!”

Jesus warned how the Temple was a money racket
Then what He saw next made Him nearly blow a gasket
A poor widow dropped in all her wealth into the basket
He thought:
“Why isn’t the Temple looking after her welfare!”
After seeing this, some in the crowd
Could be heard mumbling aloud
“Did He just say she gave more than a millionaire?”

Meditation on Matthew 5:1-10

(Beatitudes)

Blessed are the poor in spirit,
“For they are just unworthy servants;
who have only done their duty.” [1]


Blessed are those who mourn,
For they believe:
“whoever lives and believes in Me
will never die.”[2]


Blessed are the meek
For they will be told :
“Well done, good and faithful servant!”[3]


Blessed are those who hunger and thirst
for righteousness,
For they will hear:
“For when you took care of
the least of your brothers,
You did it for Me.”[4]

Blessed are the merciful,
For they know that
The Lord their God is a merciful God. [5]



Blessed are the pure in heart,
For their treasure is
protected by their love.[6]


Blessed are the peacemakers,
For the blameless and upright
will not be destroyed. [7]


Blessed are those who are persecuted
for their faith,
May they remember that:
“The man who formerly persecuted us
is now preaching the faith
he once tried to destroy."[8]


Notes
1- Luke 17:10 (NIV)
2- John 11:26 (NIV)
3- Matthew 25:23 (NIV)
4- Matthew 25:40 (NIV)
5- Deut. 4:31 (NIV)
6- Luke 12:34 (Paraphrase)
7- Psalm 37:37-38 (NIV/Adapted)
8- Galatians 1:23 (NIV)

Easter prayer

Stare into the empty tomb,
No need for that burial perfume.
There ain’t no mystery,
We’re at the tipping point of history.

Love has replaced the Law,
Death has been snatched from Satan’s claw.
May the world be advised,
Both pagan and the baptized,
Yeah, the revolution was not televised.

So let’s leave that hole in the earth,
Time for being born again/ a spiritual rebirth.
Feel the air warmed by the new spring sun,
Rejoice when justice is done.
Breathe in the mercy, grace and goodness,
Kill the life of sin, regret and meanness.

There must be a word to describe this,
This beautiful Sabbath bliss,
Gotta be bigger than a noun that exists.
Must be a verb.
I think I know this divine word.

Allow the new verb enter into our speech,
So let this new conjugation be preached:
I am Eastered.
You are Eastered.
He and She are Eastered.
They are Eastered.
Oh Jesus, we are so Eastered.

So we all agree -
He is risen indeed.
And before we eat the ham,
or for some of us a leg of lamb.
May this prayer be of every feaster:
I am Eastered.
You are Eastered.
He and She are Eastered.
They are Eastered.
Oh Jesus, we are so Eastered.

Thoughts while passing by the cross

(Good Friday meditation)

Weren’t you the guy my kids were telling me about on Sunday?
The roar of the crowd, the singing of the Hosannas,
I bet Moses could of heard it from heaven.

You brought your friend back from the dead,
You fed the multitudes,
healed the sick.

Heard You walked on water, stopped a storm,
and saved a woman from stoning.
A good man who could have been our great leader.

But then You had to tell the Pharisees who You are,
You disrupted their courtyard commerce,
taking away their prestige and
upsetting them by not being their kind of Messiah.

But now where are Your followers?
All I see is one of them,
four women and
me with my Passover lamb.

Do you hear what I hear?

Luke 8:4-8 (Parable of the Soils)

When he said this, he called out, "He who has ears to hear,
let him hear.”


Inside our souls
there are four chambers
where God’s word can reside.

In one part
God expected a praise,
Instead He heard the phrase:
“One of these days,”
or even worse:
“No puedo hablar inglés.”

There is another section
that once had God’s affection.
But now
all He hears about are
issues of fear, gossip and recession.

The third segment
started out like they were glory bound
only to run aground.
They blamed some bad weed
for causing them to not take heed.
O Lord, say a prayer for the pretender,
They couldda been a contender.

The last delegation
follows the Creator’s wishes
without procrastination.
They do not become weary in working out
their salvation,
and the harvest they bring in
is beyond all earthly calculation.

Meditations on Matthew 25:14-30

(The parable of the talents)

Once upon a time,
There was a man who committed a crime
of burying his master’s dollars and dimes.

And when the master returned
and asked for his treasure,
the servant gave it to him
measure for measure.
The boss screamed, “Where is my return?!?!”
The servant mumbled,
“Preserving what I got was my concern,
along with your reputation of being so stern.”

Not surprisingly, he was fired for incompetence.
therefore he couldn’t get a letter of reference.
And now he’s doing without a health plan
No dentist for the gnashing,
No shrink for the crying man.

The parable of the 10 virgins

Matthew 25:1-13

The bridegroom entrusted the lamps to the virgins
“After all,” he reasoned, “they ain’t brain surgeons.”
I guess he was right,
Because when he brought back his bride that night
The light along the doorway wasn’t all that bright.

During the feast, he answered the door,
And there was the rest of the crew back
from the store.
They said, “Come on let us in, Marty!”
He replied,
“Sorry, you have to light
for the right
to party!”

A Father’s Business Postscript

Luke 2:41-52 NKJV)
The Boy Jesus at the Temple

Mom held in her heart that day long past

And I remember the next day, Dad waking up my sorry ass.

In my teen angst, I moaned, “What is it, Boss of Bosses?”

He replied, “Rise and shine! [1]
We gotta finish that big order of Roman crosses.”


Footnotes:
Note 1 - Isaiah 60:1

A Father’s Business

Luke 2:41-52 (NKJV)
The Boy Jesus at the Temple

“Did you not know that I must be about My Father’s business?”

Did you give a thought about mine?

Two late jobs ,

And one lost job bid,

All because I had to go fetch my kid.


But at the Seder,

When it was asked:

"Why is this night different from all other nights?”

I felt that he had an answer to that question

that no one else

but my Lord God could recite.

I want the things you just can’t give me

Mark 10:17-22 (Rich Young Ruler)

Could the gospel writers got it wrong,
when they said Christ’s wishes
were defeated by the world’s riches?

Perhaps why the young man left,
was the second request.

“Follow me.”

The rich young ruler could plainly see
from being with
the scribes and the Pharisees
that the good teacher
would go under the third degree.

He thought:
“Why would I trade my palace
to face the world’s malice?
This is not the road for eternal life
this is a certain way to death and strife.”

And as he left Jesus in despair
He was troubled by the message of
Christ’s loving stare,
“Both of us know
what is going to come about,
Be my friend and change the world
beyond any doubt.”

Do you have this in a 40 regular?

Like an anxious one not getting upset,
Or a gambler who swears off a bet.
Like an alcoholic who gives up the sauce,
We all gotta get up and pickup our cross.

Like a pessimist who tries to hope,
Or a junkie who swears off dope.
Like a sore loser accepting a loss,
We all gotta get up and pickup our cross.

Oh Jesus, can’t I have some control?
Can I least take it off when I bowl?
I know you told me to figure the cost
We all gotta get up and pickup our cross.

What did I sign up for?

Dial my ego back from nine to none,
Hauling that cross ain’t much fun,
Now you tell me
to take care of the least of these,
Is the next thing you are gonna ask is
for me to talk to You from my knees?

Meditations on Psalm 119:25-40

Verses 25-32
Boss,
when I am lost
I ask everybody else for directions,
and realize I’m no closer to my destination.
I then come
to talk to You,
read Your map
and understand where Home is.
Sorry.
Amen.

Verses 33-34
Love.
Don’t shove.
Share.
You have more than a pair.
Pray.
Or how else can you get through the day?
And the Lord’s command to Gentile and Israeli,
Repeat daily.

Verse 37
Tom Cruise reads Dianetics to chill,
and of course there’s Dr. Phil.
People in cubicles read “Who moved my cheese?”
Or me with a verse in my head and on my knees.

Identity Theft

Luke 14:33 In the same way,
any of you who does not
give up everything he has
cannot be my disciple.

Jesus said,

“Go ahead
steal my identity
and...

Love those
you had considered
as trolls.


Sell your greed
for
treasures that last.


Finally, your pride
must fall and
break its neck.

then
Follow Me.”

Lost Focus

Mark 7:7 And in vain they worship Me,
Teaching as doctrines the commandments of men.


Does your Bible translation really matter?
Will it change who’s your Master?

Does it matter where you go to church?
For two times a year, you do put in a lot of research.

Does it matter that you understand the Trinity?
As long as is it isn’t the
Money, Sex and Power obscenity.

Does your church looks down
at some baptisms as subequal?
Come on guys!
It’s not a secret initiation ritual.

What’s up with the fish on your car?
Does it protect you on the way home from the bar?

Is someone waging war on Christmas Day?
Oh, Santa will find them out and make them pay.

Worship music selection.
Who to vote for in the next election.
The prosperity gospel is so perverse.
Oh, this poem is just gone from bad to worse.

So I’m just gonna sing:
I'm coming back to
the heart of worship.
And it's all about You ,
All about You ,
Jesus. [1]

Footnote:
1 - Heart of Worship (1999) ; Matt Redman

Conventional Wisdom 30 AD

Matthew 3:7-12 (John The Baptist)

His daddy was a priest
Now this pastor’s kid has turned into a beast.
Calling me and my friends snakes,
“Repent,” he screams and shakes.

At the Temple, we study the Torah
and rejoice.
He tells us with our noses in the Book,
We’ll never hear His voice.

We reply: “We are God’s original franchise.
Why do you antagonize?
Abraham started our nation.
John, you’re headed for damnation.”

And stop washing those whores in the river
Just seeing that gives me a shiver.
Stop polluting the Jordan I pray,
or I’m going to have to call the EPA.

He tells us, God’s anger is set on desecration
and then there will be a service of cremation.
John, we ain’t gonna burn,
Cause God said not ashes
but unto dust we shall return.

As far the One who is greater than you,
Whose sandals you can’t undo.
After He listens to your tale of the coming wrath,
Send Him to us and we’ll set Him on the right path.

The first color

Genesis 1 (Creation)


The first Sunday School lesson

back from summer vacation

was to make a drawing

of your favorite day of creation.


There were pictures of planets, plants and seas

and all the animals were tamed.

There was one kid who started his canvas

with just a thick black frame.


I asked as I passed by,

“Can’t decide on which day?”

”No, I’m finished,” was his reply.

“Because didn’t God say:

“Let there be white?”

MY OWN WORST ENEMY

PSALM 51:3 (NLT)

For I recognize my rebellion;
it haunts me day and night.

O LORD, I bring forth my enemy.

He hurts, misleads and troubles me.

Lord have mercy on the terrorist in my soul,

for You alone can heal me.

Amen.